


Deceit's Devilish Delusions

by DaFlangstLairde



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: ATTENTION: spoilers for Putting Others First, ATTENTION: tags will be eddited as the fic progresses, Angst, Bigotry & Prejudice, Confusion, Deceit Sanders-centric, Deceit is just dramatic, Deceit isn't an asshole, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Gen, Hallucinations, Head Injury, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mind Confusion, Mind Palace, Mindfuck, Movie Night, Mystery, Panic Attacks, Sleep Deprivation, Starvation, Unreliable Narrator, Unsympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, against a character with a possible mental disorder, in one chapter, or is it? ;), short chapters so i can maaaaybe post more, tell me if I need to tag anything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:27:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaFlangstLairde/pseuds/DaFlangstLairde
Summary: When you start seeing things that others don't, it's one of the natural responses to hope it's just a prank. Deceit is no exception.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

The tea tastes vaguely sweet on Janus' tongue, the sunlight vaguely warm on the side of his face. There is the slightly salty smell in the air from Patton's breakfast. Logan's clicking on his laptop's keyboard at the coffee table, and Remus and Roman's fighting from the hallway aren't exactly music, but in the moment they're oddly close. Virgil, napping on top of the backrest of the couch, is the one quiet and calm thing. Or as calm as Virgil can get. 

It's… peaceful. 

Ever since Janus shared his name, the others are at least trying to be… accepting. Even Roman and Virgil, though the situations there are… odd. Nobody is sending him glances or mutters as he just stands and drinks the tea in his hand, leaning on the counter. 

Even his room "moved". It shifted from the "dark" section of the mind to the "light" one - even if there isn't any physical change, it's just… It's as if the air feels different. 

Some mornings, Janus would just lay in bed, basking in the aura. Some nights, he wouldn't be able to sleep for hours because of how much it subconsciously bothers him.

Suddenly there is a gentle weight on his hand that's on the counter, taking him out of his thinking (probably Patton). Janus puts his tea down, then looks at his hand and- what?! 

There's- what?! A severed, shadowy hand is resting on top of Janus'. 

He sighs. Now that the initial brief panic is over, he realizes it's probably just Remus. Remus is easy to deal with - Janus takes his tea again, and does his best to ignore the… limb. 

"You okay there snakey?" Patton softly asks him from beside. "Yes, yes, simply plotting to take over the world while I drink my tea," Janus says, smirking. Patton chuckles at his reply.

When he looks again, the hand has disappeared just like that. As if nothing was there. Just as he thought - it was probably just Remus. 

"Hey D, would you like more tea so you can drink with your breakfast??" Patton offers as he sets dishes on the table. Janus smiles at him and shakes his head. "Very kind of you, but no, thank you," 

The rest of the morning passed completely fine.


	2. Chapter 2

A couple of days later, the others are preparing for a movie night! Only Thomas and Roman aren't around. Janus is watching from the side. 

Patton brings multiple pillows and blankets, Virgil is hunting through the kitchen for more snacks. Logan is serving drinks to the table. 

Roman and Thomas are probably picking out "surprise movies", though Janus is pretty sure everyone knows what their picks are going to be. It's just that no one says anything so that they feel good. Janus hasn't said anything either.

"Hey, standing there ominously and or broodingly is my shtick. Don't bite my style," Virgil says to Janus, carrying another two packets of chips to the table. 

Janus chuckles. "Oh don't you worry, I only ever bite with words." He says, and goes to leave. He'd been wondering when they're gonna shoo him away. 

A hand on his shoulder pauses him. "That, uh, wasn't… I wasn't saying it to kick you out, sorta more to… y'know," Virgil says, shrugging. Janus raises an eyebrow because no, he doesn't know? 

Virgil gestures towards the couch, where Patton and Logan are already sitting. Patton is grinning towards Janus, and pats (snort) an empty spot on the couch. 

"Virgil was attempting an invitation, albeit a quite backwards one." Logan explains. "...oh." is all Janus says. 

Well, better not make the atmosphere more awkward and strained than it already is, he supposes! Virgil walks to the couch and rather falls into the blankets than sits down, and Janus follows. 

Suddenly there is a small patter of footsteps and right before Janus sits on the couch, the spot is stolen by a… cat…? What?

Janus stares at the cat. The cat stares back. It is a contest of wills!

"Hey, uh…? You good there, New Venom Brides?" Virgil questions. Janus looks at him, and everyone seems to be looking at Janus. 

"I… is anyone else seeing a cat?" he questions. Everyone continues looking at him. The atmosphere only gets more awkward and strained. 

When Janus looks again after a second, the cat is gone. He blinks slowly. It's still gone. As if it vanished into thin air. 

"Were you making a joke about my onezie???" Patton offers, and he smiles (it's strained; he's trying though). Janus takes a second… And then laughs exaggeratedly, even startling the others a little. Virgil snorts, and Logan just shakes his head, muttering something about terrible puns being terrible or something. 

Janus sits down (there aren't even any cat hairs, what-) and the night continues. Roman and Thomas join them all eventually, carrying noise and also Frozen II and Moana to watch (because of fucking course it is those two). 

And the night continues and it is fine. It is fine. The weird atmosphere passes and it is all fine. Janus even finds himself enjoying it! It is just alright.


	3. Chapter 3

It is too late and Janus knows it. He should be asleep. This is going to ruin his health and he knows that, too. He has known it for the past 6 hours, but here he is, still not asleep.

He'd thought that "inability to sleep because he's thinking" is a thing from books. But, just like the first time Remus figured out he could simulate real wounds and none of them had known that it is only simulating, Janus couldn't sleep, only because he was thinking hard.

When a side creates an imagined object, or scenery, or visual, etc, everyone around sees it. All the sides. Whether the binders from the Christmas episode, or the theater podium from Janus' "reveal episode", or the puppets from the, well, puppet video… all the sides see them. 

Just like how if an object exists and is real, every human with working eyesight can see it.

So if Janus is seeing something that the others aren't… It wasn't made by a side. (And that scares him more than he'd admit.)

From there, there are three options. Either everyone is pranking him and acting like they aren't seeing it; He is hallucinating; Or something is happening and he has no idea what. 

Janus wouldn't have expected to be laying in the dark, and for once be hoping that he's being pranked. But oh well, that's the light sides for you, I guess. 

Well, there is one more option (he thinks desperately)! Maybe Thomas made it. Maybe Thomas was… Thinking about something? And accidentally made a hand and cat that only Janus could see??? 

Thomas, in a way, has more creative power over the mindspace than any of the sides, even if subconsciously. Yeah. Yeah, that could be it.

…

"What? I wasn't thinking about cats at all?" Thomas replies to Janus the next morning. Janus presses his lips into a line. "Nothing? Truly not a single thing even close to cats?" 

"No, I was on the phone with Joan and we were talking about what an underwater plane would be like." Thomas shakes his head. "And no, not a submarine, an underwater plane," he adds with a little smile.

Janus sighs. "Fair, alright. Thank you. I'll be go-" "Are you okay? Uh, will you be okay?" Thomas interrupts Janus from sinking out. Janus blinks slowly. "Yes, why yes of course," he grins at Thomas. He sinks out. Neither of them are convinced by it.


	4. Chapter 4

Janus' eyes slam open and he screeches as a booming roar rings right above his face. He scrambles, waving his arms in front of himself to banish whatever giant creature was in front of him, roaring right at him, sharp maw of teeth bared right in his sight, the stench of its breath seeping into his nostrils, it was gonna bite his fucking face off, what the f- nothing.

There is nothing there. 

Janus lays frozen, breathing hard, his still sleepy mind trying to catch up and process. What… what was that?! He could’ve sworn on his right hand that seconds ago there had been a fucking creature right above him! He had heard it, for fuck’s sake!

“REMUS!” Janus yells, anger now stirring with his initial shock. He hears footsteps run over to his door and slam it open with a manic grin, probably ready to boom with laughter at Janus' state. And laugh he does - and Janus feels even more pitiful as he is on the ground, tangled in his sheets, his face drained of blood. 

“Remus, there was ONE rule, my dearest. Don’t. Interrupt. My. Sleep.” Janus hisses dangerously. Remus’ laughter… dies down? And he seems almost confused. “What?” Remus questions. 

Janus frowns. “Remus. Be honest with me, honey.” He says, voice low. “Did you just interrupt my sleep?” 

Remus stares at Janus. Janus stares at Remus. “No? I was having a night snack?” Remus replies at last. He isn’t lying. Janus inhales sharply. 

Janus exhales. 

“I... “ Janus begins. He grimaces, untangling himself from his sheets, and getting back in bed. “I’m… going back to bed. Good night Remus.” Janus says. He lays with his back towards the door.

Remus remains at his door for a few more seconds. Then Janus hears him slowly close the door and walk away. He feels small pebbles of the wall that is his pride and dignity chip away with every step. 

It takes hours for Janus to fall asleep again. Hours of turning and tossing, of momentary distractions. Hours for the initial adrenaline to drain away, to let his thoughts haze. Hours for the air in his room to stop feeling way too thick to breathe. And those hours lead almost to the light of day.


	5. Chapter 5

“So… why are we all here?” Virgil asks once again, shifting on the couch anxiously. “Ah yes, ask it a fourth time and I’ll answer you, you just have to annoy me for it the right amount.” Janus snarks. Virgil huffs. 

Roman (finally) appears, rubbing his eyes and yawning as he also sits down on the couch with all the other sides. Janus pauses his light pacing and looks at all of them.

“Has any of you been pranking me?” Janus asks, cutting straight to the point. Everyone exchanges glances, of confusion or just slight amusement. “Uh, what?” Roman asks. Janus sighs with exasperation and drags a hand down his face. 

“I am being serious here. I have been having trouble sleeping, eating, going through the day. And it’s because of…” he pauses for a second. “...something. Something I am half sure one or more of you is doing.”

Silence. Janus is a patient man, except no, he isn’t, and this is fucking frustrating him. “I am most genuinely requesting - please, whoever has been creating… weird visuals for me, please stop.” He says.

The silence grows thicker. None of the sides seem to know what exactly he’s talking about. (But they notice Janus' use of ‘please’ - something he almost never practices.) 

Janus swallows. 

“Janus, are you okay?” Patton asks softly, and that immediately gets on Janus' nerves, oh how he hates the softness in Patton’s words, that almost-always parental-like softness that way too often breaches into condescension. 

“Blooming like a spring flower.” Janus deadpans. “Meeting dismissed.” He says, and he sees multiple of the sides reach for the words to say something, but he sinks out before he can hear any of it.

It isn’t a prank. It… isn’t a prank. 

Janus will never admit to anyone how terrified he is at that. His laughter is borderline hysterical as he rises up in his room.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Careful! This chapter has a semi-graphic description of injury and panic

All the known sides are outside the house part of the mindspace, in a yard conjured by Roman as he had gotten inspired by the autumn. The ground was carpeted with vibrant colored leaves, in every warm color you can think of. From ones as red as Roman’s sash to ones bright like the grin on his face. 

A pleasant breeze flows through the air, ruffling everyone’s hair, playing among the leaves. 

Remus and Roman are also playing among the leaves. From the moment Remus shoved Roman into a pile, a “war” had been declared between everyone.

Patton and Virgil are almost happily participating, with Patton worrying over anything dangerous and Virgil just wanting to slap one of the twins in the face with leaves. Logan is watching from the side, reading a book.

Janus is next to Logan, also watching the “fight” go on. It’s amusing, at least. It’s nice to see everyone outside. To see the twins not trying to genuinely kill each other; to see Remus actively participating; to observe not from the shadows, but openly. 

Janus feels… happy, almost. Definitely glad. It is good to be here. It is good to be here, and be wanted here. 

In the corner of his eye, Janus notices Logan has been on the same page for the last 10 minutes, and is actually looking above the book, smiling the slightest. Janus can’t help a small smirk of his own. Yeah, he’d like to get used to this. 

Something flies straight at his face and Janus inhales sharply, stumbling back as it slams into his face, and- scrambles?! He smells fur and feels nails on his face and swats at his face, scrambling back, get it off-

His foot catches on a rock and he feels all gravitation go away and yet pull him straight down, and he falls, world spinning, senses overloaded with the warm tickle of fur on his face; and a sharp pain shoots through the hand that had flow to steady him as he falls on his back. 

Janus’ head slams into the ground, barely softened by the leaves, and pain rings through his whole skull just like noise rings through his ears and he can distantly register he’s hurting so fucking bad, clutching his right hand, and he can breathe again, the creature is gone from his face, fucking finally-

There is a small weight on Janus’ shoulder and he flinches back from it, and as the ringing slowly subsides he registers distant, blurry voices, and he opened his eyes and the visuals are also blurry, and he is on the ground, and there are people around him. Are they real? Is he hallucinating them from the fall?

“Janus, oh no,-!” “Breathe-” “What- what the fuck, why did you-” “-can you hear us fine? Are your eyes operating cor-” Janus hears, and the sharp pain has wavered into a dull one, and it is throbbing and painful and he hates it, and he can’t breathe- 

Janus clutches his right hand close to his chest as one of the people(?) goes to grab it, hissing in pain, clutching his eyes closed for a moment. 

“I don’t want him to bleed out fOR REAL-” “Pin him down, we need to bandage the wound-!” “-mbass, give us your hand, can you even fucking hear, oh god what if he’s deaf-” “-h no, he isn’t breathing okay, guys-” He hears, and they are so loud, every sound is like a knife twisting into his ears, and he growls something, trying to make them shut the fuck up, and there are more hands on him, trying to take his wounded hand away from his chest, and no, stop, don’t fucking touch me, what are you going to do-

Janus is doing his best to wrestle the hands, the touch, but he can’t. His limbs feel like sticks and his mind is just a sharp fog of pain and the adrenaline is wearing off and it hurts so much more now, goodness how he hates the fucking pain.

And it’s cold, it’s cold and someone is removing his sleeve and the cold hits him there, and his hand feels like a thousand needles are swimming in it and so does his head, and it’s painful and cold and awful, and he just wants to sleep. Janus just wants to sleep. 

“-AY AWAKE, DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE YOU-” “Don’t yell, don’t yell, calm down Virge, it’s okay-” “-release a little bit of pressure, he isn’t struggling anymore, I can handle the wound n-” “ANUS, I REFUSE TO DO THIS FOR REAL, ONLY IN GAMES, STOP THIS, YOU SHOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GAMES AN-” “-isn’t dying, stop yelling-” Yes, stop yelling, goodness, why is Remus yelling like that, why is everyone talking at the same time?! 

His vision and his hearing and his muscles and his thoughts are sluggish, and the pain is a blanket over it, pinning him down, like a fucking hammer, it’s horrible. It’s awful. He’s half-sure he’s suffocating.

Janus just wants to sleep. 

Just.. let him sleep. Just let him… drift away. Into… into the darkness. The darkness… is good…. darkness is… home.


	7. Chapter 7

“How’s your hand?” Patton asks, putting the plate down in front of Janus. Janus sighs. “It’s completely healed from five minutes ago when you last asked me.” He replies, and Patton chuckles awkwardly. “Sorry kiddo, I just, you know,” “Yes, yes, you’re worried,” Janus waves him off.

Patton seems vaguely upset. Janus stares at him. Janus rolls his eyes, and says “It’s okay Morality. I get it. But truly, calm yourself. Sit down and eat along with me.” He suggests.

Patton stares at him, worry growing on his face. “What?” Patton asks. Janus looks at him, eyebrow raised. “What what?” “Eat?” Patton questions.

Janus stiffens. He looks down at the table. And there’s nothing there.

Janus breathes in and out. Slowly. Carefully. He rubs his eyes tiredly. “Another one…” He murmurs. He feels the couch dent as Patton probably sits down next to him. Patton puts a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay, Janus,” he says softly.

Janus still doesn’t love the softness in his voice.

Janus no longer hates the softness in his voice.

“Ask me questions. Help me orient myself.” Janus asks, and leans back. Patton smiles at him softly. “Where are we?” he asks. Janus looks around. Looking for details. He’s always been pretty observant. He knows what details should be there.

There shouldn’t be a chair randomly in the kitchen. There shouldn’t be a colony of spiders crawling up the right wall. That’s all that seems off.

“The kitchen,” Janus replies. “Ah,...” Patton fidgets. “What?” Janus asks, narrowing his eyes. “We’re in your bedroom, kiddo,” Patton says. Janus blinks.

Janus closes his eyes, rubs them, shakes his head (and it hurts his brain, ugh, he can’t wait for the fucking wound to heal up.)

He opens his eyes. They’re in his bedroom. He’s sitting on his bed. Logan is there, too, sitting on a chair close by (oh, so that’s where the chair came from).

Logan is looking at Janus. Patton is looking at Janus. “Is Logan in the room?” Janus asks, and Patton nods. “Morality, sweety, if you give me an answer, it has to be verbal,” Janus says. He’s tired. He’s so tired. “The auditory ones aren’t as frequent.”

“Oh, right! Sorry. Yeahp, Logan is in the room!” Patton chirps. Logan nods. He’s writing down something on a notepad.

“You’re dozing off kiddo. Do you need to rest?” Patton asks. Janus nods. He rubs his eyes again (and, hopefully thankfully, nothing changes). “Ah.. yes.” Janus says. Patton nods and stands up.

“Okay, sweet nap!” Patton wishes, and goes over to Logan to speak something with him. Janus pays them as little attention as possible.

Janus lays down on the soft sheets of his bed. He loves these sheets. They feel very nice on his skin, and they give him the perfect temperature. Even if recently, he’s been waking up more and more, feeling as if they’re suffocating him.

Heck, recently, Janus can’t sleep whole nights due to hallucinations. He misses drifting off to sleep onto these sheets, instead of trying to focus on their texture for hours on end, trying his hardest to sleep.

Janus hasn’t been able to sleep. Hasn’t been able to eat. One time he almost slipped in the fucking shower because of the hallucinations. Probably would have shattered his already weakened skull.

He doesn’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore.

Janus shakes his head, and the pain sobers him up. He can’t start getting upset over this again. He just wants to sleep, for at least half an hour. He’s so fucking tired, eyes red and bags under them. As if gravity has grabbed his body and is trying to drag it down.

The air in his room feels thick again. Janus’ head hurts badly, even as he sleeps on his side instead of his back. He can’t even tell for sure, but he’s pretty sure he has a migraine of some sort. His head is pounding.

Someone knocks on his bedroom door. Every knock of the four feels like a tiny wooden hammer hitting his skull, and Janus groans. “Yes? In,” He calls out, and even speaking hurts his head.

Janus used to love speaking. He used to love words. Now he only dreams of silence, especially as his door slightly creaks as it's opened, and soft footsteps come inside.

Janus used to keep his room as his own very private space. He hates that he needs to let people inside now.

Usually Janus could tell who it is from their footsteps. He can't do that now.

“Hey there,” Virgil says. Huh, Virgil, what and why? “Uh, heard you been having some… issues,” Virgil says, and Janus feels the bed dent down as Virgil sits on the edge of it.

Janus snorts. “Oh how eloquently said,” He says, and sits up in order to be looking at Virgil. Virgil snorts with an eye roll.

They stay in silence for a couple of seconds.

“So, uh,” Virgil begins, and Janus can see his hands fidget even when inside his pockets. “I came to ask,” he pauses “what’s up?” Virgil says, and he sounds unsure. Janus rolls his eyes. “Ah yes, I understood you completely, probably due to the heavily detailed phrasing,” Janus says.

Virgil sighs. “Yeah yeah, Fevers And Sarcasm. I get it. I mean, like, can you sort of- okay, let’s start with this. How does your room feel, uh, recently?” Virgil asks, finally.

Janus blinks slowly.

“What?” Janus asks. Virgil groans. “Oh come on, that was a decent fucking question!” He huffs. Janus chuckles. “Fine okay, it’s simply a weird one.” Janus says, and Virgil mocks him silently.

“Well, in all honesty, it feels… off. In quite an indescribable way. It… the… air is different.” Janus says, and Virgil tilts his head in a silent question. “Sometimes it feels hard to breathe it. Sometimes it feels light, which, wildly hilariously, also makes it hard to breathe.” Janus says, and something in his tone makes Virgil think it reeeeeally isn’t that hilarious to him.

They sit in silence for a moment more.

“Welp, I’m leaving now. You, uh, take a nap or something,” Virgil concludes, and shuffles out of the room, leaving Janus in complete silence. Or, well, as silent as it can be when you live in the same general area as Remus and Roman, but oh well.

(At least it doesn’t make Janus’ head hurt worse.)

Janus lays down, and tries for another nap.

He almost jumps to cheer as he feels himself finally, genuinely doze off. But he doesn’t, because quickly enough, he is asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Careful, this chapter begins with the description of a panic attack

As Logan would ramble, mongooses can tolerate a certain amount of snake venom, being either resistant or even immune. Thus, they are known for fighting and even killing venomous snakes. And so snakes have a biologically-instilled sense of danger when it comes to mongooses (probably - Janus should listen more closely next time). 

Which is why Janus is where he is - his back pressed against his bedroom’s wall as a huge mongoose foams its mouth at him, approaching slowly, and he is crying, and he is horrified, and it is way too fucking late (early?) for this, and he despises crying, and he despises this creature-

And the beast takes steps forward and Janus scrambles back, frantically looking and feeling around for a weapon, and he feels himself grab something, a handle, yes, a knife-! And he hiccups and adrenaline is booming in his ears and he can distantly register his wounded hand hurting from how hard he has it clutch the handle and his head is also pounding with pain.

And then the creature lunges straight at him, and adrenaline stabs through him and makes his breath stop, and he slashes to stab at the beast, to throw it off, and someone is speaking, no, Janus can’t start hallucinating now, he has to protect himself, he can’t be questioning reality now, he will die, probably.

Janus is so weak, he hasn’t been building up any energy, and there is.... nothing… on him. 

Janus hesitantly cracks his eyes open the slightest. 

And… oh.

He isn’t in his room, apparently. He’s standing in the middle of the kitchen, back pressed against the wall, clutching the handle of a knife covered in butter. 

All the sides are standing around him, very worried expressions on their faces. 

Janus’ chest rises and falls and he breathes deeply, staring from one side to the next. Everyone stays quiet. The sides seem to not know what to do. 

Janus roughly wipes his face with his sleeve, and stands up properly. He straightens. “I…” he begins. But he isn’t sure what to say. 

What does one even say in a situation like this?

“Kiddo?” Patton asks, and Janus finds a part of himself latching onto his softness. “Where are you?” Logan asks.

Janus swallows. He is secretly grateful for Logan, always the calm and calculated one. “Kitchen?” Janus replies, and he hates the uncertainty in his voice. He shouldn’t be uncertain about something as general as his fucking location. And he hates how he almost begins sobbing anew as Logan confirms

“Inhale for four,” Virgil mumbles from the side, and Janus swallows again, and evens out his breathing. “Who’s here?” Logan asks. “Everyone. Except Thomas.” Janus replies. Logan confirms. 

They spend fifteen minutes like this. 

Janus calms down. 

Janus never tells them about what exactly he saw, and the only one he snaps at for asking is Remus, because Remus never knew how to bite his tongue. But it’s fine, Janus is used to Remus. 

Janus goes to sleep.

(Janus can’t sleep again. He almost begs someone, anyone, to stay with him until he finally falls asleep.) 

(He has too much pride for that.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you've read this far, please leave a comment!  
> I'd adore to hear your reactions, theories, criticism, anything :}


	9. Chapter 9

What is real? Janus isn’t sure anymore. 

He thinks he is in the living room. He isn't sure whether the water puddle in the middle of the room is or isn't real. He doesn’t know if Logan, sitting across him and saying something, is real. 

Janus can’t find it in himself to focus on Logan. 

Janus wants to sleep. His stomach rumbles with hunger.

“Janus?” Logan asks, maybe for the tenth time in this discussion. Janus nods. Logan remains quiet for a moment. 

“Are you real?” Janus asks. Logan breathes in deeply, and then exhales. “I am pretty sure I am, yes.” Logan confirms. Even the confirmation doesn’t feel real to Janus. 

“If anyone is in the room… I don’t feel the best. I think… something is wrong.” Janus says, and he hates how quiet his voice is. Logan’s expression is now alarmed. 

Suddenly Janus is lifted off his feet, bridal style, and, oh, hello Virgil.

Wait. “Virgil?” Janus questions, and he is pretty sure his chopstick isn’t glue, but that’s exactly what it feels like with the effort it takes to speak. “Are you doing the… shadow thing?” Janus asks, and Virgil groans something, and Janus hears it, but he can’t process. 

And then it’s black.

And then he’s awake again.

The first thought Janus has through his head, before he even realizes he’s awake, is air. He breathes in deeply, and it feels so fucking good, he can breathe, and he has never thought air can feel this sweet and this good, but he is sure this is the best air ever. 

Janus lays in the dark, eyes closed, breathing in and out, in and out, freely. 

Then he starts to comprehend.

He’s on someone’s bed, but not his - it doesn’t feel like his. The area feels like the “dark” section of the mindspace, and it’s so familiar.

The dark is warm and quiet and the air isn’t fresh but he can breathe it and... and it’s home. It smells familiar and it feels familiar on his skin, and even the sound of a vague something dripping on the floor is familiar.

Dripping? Remus’ room, then. 

And then Remus walks in, and he immediately rushes to Janus (and grabs his hands, and Janus would never admit how he winces at it). 

“Annie? Are you okay?” Remus asks, and it’s shocking how genuinely worried he sounds. 

Janus groans, rubbing his eyes. He is still drowsy from sleep, and Remus’ voice has always been so loud. But it’s fine. “Yes, yes, I’m-” “Are you?” Remus challenges, and Janus quiets down. 

Janus opens his eyes a little. The dark is underwhelming in exactly the way he wants it to be.

It’s Remus’ room, that’s for sure - there is a corner that has simply a pile of weapons. Something definitely is dripping from somewhere, but he can’t see where, although it most likely has something to do with that damp spot in the wall.

It seems… well, as normal as Remus’ room can be. Janus has a hard time determining what is and isn’t real - that huge spider hanging from the ceiling can absolutely actually be here. Janus shivers. He hates this uncertainty. He loves it on others’ faces, but not on his own!

“I don’t know. I’ve slept just wonderfully these past days, so this definitely wasn’t a huge breath of air.” Janus smirks. 

And seriously, he hadn’t realized how much he misses sleep. And how much he misses smirking. 

“‘Kay, ‘kay, good good,” Remus nods. “Hungry? Pretty sure your stomach was growling harder than Slimy.” Remus asks.

“Slimy?” “The sharktopus under my bed,” Remus replies simply, making Janus snort. Remus is simple like that. 

“Well, if Slimy isn’t hungry, then I personally can’t relate to them,” Janus replies, and Remus grins and quickly leaves the room to bring food. And when he returns, Janus finally realizes just how fucking starved he was, too, devouring the food.


	10. Chapter 10

The hallucinations don’t disappear fully. They do significantly lessen in intensity. But they don’t go away. But...

Staying in the “dark” part of the mindspace is completely different, regardless. Janus is sleeping, eating, showering, thinking, and he has never felt better. It doesn’t bother him when a dog runs through the room as long as he can eat his meal in peace, even as he’s pretty sure it isn’t real

And sure, maybe sleeping on the couch isn’t the most comfortable thing ever if it was any other day, but to Janus it feels like the most comfortable thing ever. 

And right now it absolutely doesn’t feel uncomfortable. Not at all. Not a single bit. Janus doesn’t catch any uncomfortable fidgeting or glances from the sides as they have gathered around the table in the dark mindspace to dine. 

Well, fuck them. He has to rest. They (read: Patton) were the ones to demand a dinner with everyone. 

And Logan is the one who decided to bring up Janus’ condition in the middle of it. 

“-ause the hallucinations started a period after you moved into the other section of the mind, and experienced side effects such as insomnia, migraines, and other ones due to the move, it was the logical thing to conclude that your move was what caused it, or at the very least brought your condition to the front.” Logan rambles. 

A beat of silence. 

“Soo… what now?” Virgil questions, and sinks deeper into his hoodie as a few glances are thrown his way. 

“Well… we’ve been following steps that I ordered in a recovery plan for Janus. Uninterrupted sleeping as specific, decent times of night; Solid eating of many but small food portions through the d-” “But where will he stay?” [Orange] interrupts.

The silence hangs. Logan seems to be thinking. 

“I am currently doing my research on the differences between the two sections of the mind with the help mainly of Virgil, and also on more causes for hallucinating. After that research is complete and fruitful, and Janus’ recovery has been completed, or maybe even pushed with the added use of medication if any is required, I’ll manage to attune his room with a setting that won’t upset his organism. Meanwhile, he’ll ‘hang out’ in our part of the mind more and more, so that he is able to get used to it.” 

“Sounds pretty fruity to me!” Patton chirps, biting an apple slice. Janus rolls his eyes, keeping back a small smile. He remains quiet. It’s not because he feels warm at how much effort they’re putting in for him, no, absolutely not - it’s because he’s chewing. 

“Wait, what about Virgil? How come he’s helping?” Roman asks (and Janus narrows his eyes, but sure. It’s a fair question. Virgil has made it pretty clear he dislikes Janus.) 

Virgil hisses and, against all laws of physics, manages to sink even further into his hoodie. 

“Virgil came to me with the information that something similar happened to him when he first transitioned, even if not quite as extremely because he had already had previous long visits to our portion of the mind palace.” “Wait, really, what happened??” Roman questions further. He seems oddly concerned, or at least more concerned than before.

“Nunya,” Virgil hisses, and Roman shakes his head in confusion. Virgil sighs with a roll of his eyes. “Nun-ya-business.” He clarifies, and Roman scoffs, but doesn’t push it further.


	11. Chapter 11

Janus’ eyes open. It’s dark - must be late, he (somehow?) knows it’s midnight. 

Janus turns on his side, wanting to just go back to sleep. But something catches his gaze instead. 

A sheet of paper next to the couch. Somehow he knows it shouldn’t be there. He feels compelled to take it, and so he does. 

“You are insane. You are harmful both to yourself and the others around you. Leave my family alone, Thomas included.” 

Not signed. The words are printed on it - no handwriting. 

Well. Isn’t this a nice thing to read upon waking up. 

Janus goes back to sleep, the note gone. 

…

In the morning, Janus goes to have breakfast with the light sides. He is leaning against the counter, drinking tea. Sun falls on his face.

Patton is quietly humming as he and Logan cook. Virgil is on the couch, doing something on his phone. Roman is simply draped on the couch, but Janus can swear he sees Roman’s eyes flick to him and then away. 

Roman is definitely watching Janus. Nobody else is acting any different. 

It makes sense that Roman was the one to leave the note. It was written in a straightforward way, and it claimed ‘my family’ meaning the light sides. So that checks off Patton, Remus, [Orange]. 

It could be Virgil, but Virgil wouldn’t be afraid to say it to Janus’ face, and Virgil would be way more demanding, threatening even. It could have been Logan, but Logan has never shown any desire to get rid of Janus.

But Roman has. As much as Roman has been tolerating Janus’ presence, Janus knows Roman essentially hates him.

…

Janus searches for the note later that day, but finds it nowhere. Roman probably hid it so Janus has no evidence against him - Patton would be oh so disappointed if one of his boys was manipulative like that. 

Janus is sitting on the couch, thinking about the day. Thinking about the note. 

But he jumps, startled as someone sits next to him. He hadn’t realized he’s been zoning out. 

He looks to the side - it’s Patton. Janus doesn’t react, except for an eyebrow raise. 

“Hey kiddo,” Patton says softly. “How are you holding up?” he asks. Janus stares at him for a moment of silence. And then he realizes that he had been asked a question. 

“Ah, like a blooming flower,” Janus replies. It falls flatter than he’d usually like. Patton’s gaze flicks to the side briefly, and he’s fidgeting. 

“Yeah…” Patton says softly. “Well, I came by to say that, uh, just… I know lately it’s been hard for you. And I wanted to reassure you that, despite our… differences, I really do want to try and understand you,” He says, and puts a hand on Janus’ shoulder, a sweet smile on his face. 

Janus doesn’t like the softness in Patton’s voice, but he understands it. 

“Thank you.” He says, and then a beat of silence passes. Janus believes his words, and Patton smiles. Janus hopes Patton realizes his honesty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now is a good time to remember that Janus is an unreliable narrator


End file.
